In December, Dave and I got surprised with a precious gift from God - the news that a new little one was on the way. To our sadness though, the Lord decided in His Sovereignty that our baby would only be with us for a short while in the womb before He called this sweet child back to Himself.
Today would have been my due date, so while I am not even sure I have the words to write this...I feel like I need to - both in memory of my child and in case it brings healing to any who are facing the same difficult journey.
Job 1:21b says, "...The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; Blessed be the name of the Lord." The hard part is accepting His will and praising Him even when your heart is broken.
My other pregnancies went so well that I was completely unexpecting this loss. I read statistically that one in four Lupus pregnancies result in miscarriage and remember worrying about it especially the first go around. However, I had relaxed since then and this time, in my head, was already beginning to plan ahead for our new surprise addition. How would we need to get the house ready? Would it be a boy or a girl? Name ideas? Sometimes it was even hard to sleep, dreaming about what the future held...
In all honesty, pretty much from the beginning I've said I wanted to have four children. I don't know why I felt settled on that number, but its been on my heart. Dave, the more logical one of the two of us, was more hesitant to have another. Not that he didn't want more kids too; he just knew my health limitations and daily struggles and how hard it is to keep up with the three little ones we have since they are so close together. He questioned if continuing to grow our family was a good idea logistically. There were so many times when I brought up the discussion, hoping he'd be persuaded by my strong desire for a fourth, but finally I had the conviction to stop nagging and just begin praying that God would change my heart or change his. Dave began praying too.
It wasn't long after that that we found out that I was expecting. When I first started feeling symptoms I was shocked but elated as well, not even able to wait as long as you're supposed to to take a home test. December 15th, I went ahead and tried it, wishful thinking. It was then that I thought I saw the shadow of a line appear, but Dave said he definitely didn't see anything. So, the next day I tried it again...a clearer faint line! This time Dave saw it too! On the third day, I took just one more test just to be sure and confirmed once again our family would be growing. We were going to have a baby!
Amazed at the turn of events since we hadn't planned to even try for another child at that point, we both felt that God had answered our prayers affirmatively. Surprisingly though, I began to stress about how I was going to handle juggling homeschooling and my three little ones and was stressed about people who might criticize us for continuing to grow our family versus being joyful for us. On the other side, I was elated, the Lord was giving me the baby I had been praying for and I was so glad to receive it whenever He had decided to place it in my life. But, in Isaiah 55:8-9 He tells us, "'For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are My ways,' says the Lord. 'For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.'" I believed I had it all figured out, but I didn't really have a clue what His plan was and how He would use the life of this baby.
Saturday, December 19th, I woke up with signs that a miscarriage was possibly occurring. Crying for Dave, I shared my heartbreak before calling both my mom and grandmothers who encouraged me to go the hospital to be checked out. We tried phoning the on-call OB/GYN who gave us the same advice, so to the hospital in Warrenton we went where they took blood, did an ultrasound, and tried to give me hope that things might still be okay. My hCG levels came back positive but at only a 6, yet still they encouraged me that maybe it was just low because it was so early on. They also admitted that it could possibly be an ectopic pregnancy, which terrified me. Go to my doctor on Monday they told me and have more tests done.
That weekend was excruciating as we waited. Sobbing a good portion of it, I was clinging to a little shred of hope but at the same time feeling like deep down we knew the truth. I even took another home pregnancy test that came back positive and was wanting to believe things might still be okay as a result. When Monday the 20th rolled around finally, my fears were confirmed. Matter-of-factly, my doctor looked at the hospital test results and said based on such a low hCG report he was sure it was a miscarriage. There was no exam...no extra tests...just a confident answer that the hospital personnel had given me false hope. He went on to tell me that this is common...that I probably was just caught off guard because I didn't think it could happen to me...that it wasn't my fault...that it might not have been related to the Lupus...and that it was amazing that any of us make it in the end. I shed no tears at the time...it was almost as if it wasn't allowed there...this was normal in their world...I kind of expected it, right?... But, when I got in the car and began to call family and my closest friends who knew what was going on, water began to flow down my face as my voiced choked trying to tell them what was said.
The doctor had even made the comment that based on the blood test he couldn't even confirm I'd really been pregnant since the levels had been so low...that part really stung. He wasn't even admitting that my child had existed! Thankfully though, while he hadn't done any blood tests for me early on to confirm the pregnancy, my primary care doctor had given me a lab order and I had done bloodwork before the miscarriage occurred. Though to no one else it probably matter, hearing those results after my OB's comment were so important to me. I needed proof that my baby existed...even if for only a short time, so I called them. Sure enough, the tests stated positively that for a few days at least, my womb was filled with the blessing of a baby...
Yes, I use the word "blessing" even to describe such a terribly difficult time because I don't in any way feel this baby's life was in vain. I remember right after everything happened sharing my fears to my friend Andi that no one would recognize the value of this child that I had already begun to love the moment those pregnancy symptoms began, and I will never forget how in tears she passionately poured out truth to me over the phone as she spoke that even in this that little one's life had purpose. It wasn't just a flash of light to be forgotten, it was making a change, and I have definitely been able to tell over time how it has changed me.
To add insult to injury at first, I continued to have pregnancy symptoms long after the miscarriage. From nausea to heartburn to a painful ovarian cyst, it was probably four months or better before those physical reminders subsided. But even in that, He is the One who binds all wounds...
Though I unintentionally joined a club that I never wanted to be a member of, now there is a piece of me who can relate to so many other women who have had the same struggle. As I've begun slowly telling friends and family, I have been overwhelmed with how many have gone through the same type of loss, many who had never opened their hearts to me until I did to them. God has also led me to women who just lost babies in recent months and needed someone to relate to and encourage them. Miscarriage is a lonely road to walk. There is so much silence afterwards because how do you bring that up? It is often a taboo topic since it makes people feel uncomfortable; as a result, people often struggle with depression and grief without much support. I've heard from several women that they even had a hard time expressing to their husbands what they were feeling because they processed and grieved the situation so differently. Even tonight as Dave and I reflected on how today is so meaningful to me as our child's due date but wouldn't have been recalled by him without my reminders, he told me that for him, though he's fully confident there was a child, the whole experience seemed like just a "brief idea" in some ways since he had "nothing tangible to connect it with;" he finished by saying, "but for your, you felt it." I don't have ill feelings towards him because he's grieved differently than I do, but it just points out how important it is for women to connect with other women who "have felt it." Oh, we defintely don't all respond the same. For example, when I encountered expectant mothers or new babies on Facebook or elsewhere, it never struck a nerve with me like it does for some. Instead it motivated me to rejoicing with them because I felt more grateful than ever before to God for creating life. For others, especially those who don't have other children, I know it can be such a searing burn each time they encounter such conversations. Each one of us works it out in our own way, and while we can never know or relate exactly to the pain someone else endures, we can at least listen, be empathetic, pray together and for one another, and share what carried us through. I know I have quoted it before, but even in this "...all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." I have had to remind myself that there are no "what ifs" - God is Sovereign.
No comments:
Post a Comment