It is easy to focus on the exhaustion of raising three kids, to be preoccupied with how many things need fixing or cleaning around the house, or to fill our schedules so much so that we don't stop to look at and appreciate each other - at least not in a verbal manner. But, Dave is a man that I am constantly in awe of. There are so many times throughout the week that I think about all that he does for my kids and me that most men would let fall through the cracks and my heart swells with pride that he's mine.
While these thoughts are on my mind often, a sermon done by the pastor at Discipleship Community Church the day before our anniversary really drove home what a priceless gift God has given me in my husband. The focus of the message was 1 Peter 3:7 which reads: "Husbands, likewise, dwell with them in understanding, giving honor to the wife, as the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered."
Pastor Sherl began his message by challenging men who are sharp tongued with their spouses, who belittle them as a release of their own frustrations, to put on gentleness and patience instead. As he charged all husbands to talk to their wives with honor and respect, I felt such relief knowing that I can safely trust my heart and emotions with mine. Just as Jesus didn't beat people up over their mistakes (John 8:1-11), Dave isn't a record keeper repeatedly bringing up the past. He forgives, forgets, and moves on.
While some people can compartmentalize hateful comments or let things roll off their back, words are so powerful to me - a compliment can make my whole day, while a flippant or hurtful remark can bother me for years to come. It is only through God's grace that he led me to the man I have, who strives to protect my feelings even if it means biting his tongue as Jesus did when he was reviled (1 Peter 2:21-23). It's not that we are always perfect in this, but there is a mutual understanding and desire to make sure there is no division left between us. We are quick to come to each other if there is hurt and mend it so that we can live in harmony as partners, not as two who begrudge each other, because that is how we will get the most out of our relationship and move forward the best we can in parenting our children. However, I know that it is not in us to act this way on our own, this quick reconciliation and backing down for the other one. Those are not natural responses - a complete contrast to the world's concept of "winning." Our head tells us fight, be right. Only being God's children and following His Word with our hearts can make this submission to one another work, keeping us humble and giving preference to each other.
Another point of the sermon focused on men who overwork at their jobs, leaving an extra burden on their wives. Again, I felt so blessed that God has molded Dave's heart with a desire to be home with us instead of constantly climbing a cooperate ladder or wanting more income. Having Lupus and Fibromyalgia, there are some days when it would be almost impossible to make it if I had a husband who didn't come home to lighten my load. On days when my body shuts down, I know he is going to step up and take care of what needs done. To prevent the flare-ups from even kicking in, Dave works with me on a daily basis to keep my body from getting to that point of exhaustion.
The pastor also began to describe men who believe it is their job to put bread on the table and that the wife should tend the house and kids; men who put their feet up and let their wives do everything in the evenings. There could not be a description of a man any more polar opposite to my husband than this one. Dave never comes in and plops on the couch to watch TV. Instead, as soon as he walks through the door he begins helping with the kids or getting supper ready. He looks for ways that he can take stress off of me as well as to connect with his kids. He doesn't add to my burden; he takes mine. In Philippians 2:4, we are commanded to do all things with out complaining, and I can honestly say he is one who does these things for me with a willing spirit, not grumbling through each task but helping the day to go smoother. Usually any time he does take time for himself it's because I've put my foot down and made him take it.
In addition, though some men try to reverse roles and make their wife be the leader, he is the head of our house. Let me clarify for those who may take that the wrong way; this does not mean he is controlling. While I know some feminist would fault me for wanting it this way, when a man follows the example of Christ to be a servant leader, not one who is domineering but who as 1 Peter 3:7 says cares for his wife as the weaker vessel giving her honor as joint heirs, there is no need for feelings of competition or striving for position. He listens to my ideas and carries my burdens despite having some of his own. He works with me as a team but knows when he needs to be the backbone as God instructs. When Dave is with me I feel safe, knowing he will be there to protect our family and take care of us.
Not only does he protect my heart and our home, Dave strives to provide a safe haven for our children as well. I am not talking about only in the physical realm either. He listens to our kids and relates to them so that they feel just as comfortable with him as they do with me. I am well aware that not all daddies help with giving baths and tucking their kids in, but he is right there with me. He builds train sets and is a good bed time story teller. He knows how to add hairbows to Hadley's hair and even help her wiggle into a pair of tights. He wrestles and snuggles, wipes tears and noses, kisses boo-boos and foreheads. But, most importantly, he listens to the kids' hearts. We all lose our patience, but he is slow to anger with these precious ones who wear us out. He is firm in discipline but fair, striving not to provoke anger in our children (Eph 6:4) but also not to let misbehavior become a habit. As Deuteronomy 6 commands, it is his primary desire to make sure that our children are instructed in God's way and he makes the effort to ensure that they are receiving His Word throughout the week instead of just on Sundays so that it becomes a way of life, ingrained in their routines and engraved on their hearts.
Pastor Sherl said, "Our children respond to problems the way we do...You provide instruction through your actions - the way you treat their mother," and I'm so thankful they have Dave as their daddy to follow in his footsteps as we teach our boys how to be men and lead their families and our daughter what qualities she should look for in her future husband. I once told my daddy that I felt sorry for any man that followed him because they'd have such a tough act to follow, and Hadley's suitors will have just as high a mark to measure up to. I pray she can find a man who treasures her the way her daddy loves us.
As the sermon drew to a close, not only was a strong respect for my husband welling up inside me but also a humble adoration of my God who graciously gave me His unmerited favor by filling Dave's heart and spirit with these characteristics and then making him my life partner.
While I sat in awe of what has been so richly bestowed upon me, Dave was not sitting next to me patting himself on the back. He was taking notes for areas where he could improve. That same week, in humility, he wasted no time trying to put these in practice.
The pastor used John 15:13 to describe the love a husband and father has for their families; it reads: "Greater love has no one than this: to lay down ones' life for one's friends." Dave's self-sacrificing actions towards me and our family epitomize God's love for us in that he willing lays down his life for us - not only in the face of danger, but on a daily basis as he puts our comforts and needs before his own interests and preferences, as he serves us rather than waiting to be served, and as we receive his best rather than his leftovers. As we looked at Ephesians 5:28, I could safely say that he acts as the husband described in that charge; one who loves his wife as his own body.
How can a man love like this? Maintain peace and joy even on the hard days? Have this much patience? Continue in kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control? Be this self-sacrificing? Check out Galatians 5:22-23! The only way any man can do this is through being indwelt with the Holy Spirit, also described as our Teacher, Helper, Convictor, God's Spirit who fills the hearts of those who follow His Son. Without Him as the true leader, my husband couldn't be the leader of our family. He wouldn't tenderly care for us with the humble, servant-like love that God desires. So, as this seventh year of my partnership with the one He formed with me in mind comes to a close, and we begin the ones He has in store for us, I am not only thankful for my husband but also for my God, who sure does know how to write a love story and add to it on a daily basis....
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