Every mother I've ever talked to seems to have some area of her life where she feels she falls short. At the root of most of these feelings comes one common thread - comparisons.
Too often we see a mother whose kids are perfectly behaved and cringe when our own have a meltdown mid play date or in the checkout line of the grocery store. We wonder how some mommas make meals from scratch every evening when we are struggling to make Rice-A-Roni before the crew is ready to eat.
We wish we had time for crafting like that mommy over there when instead we are scrubbing oatmeal off the floor, trying to throw the kids in the tub, and praying ours will go to bed without a fight that evening. It always seems better in everyone else's world, right?
The problem is that we are judging our insides by everyone else's outsides. It is another lie that Satan tries to feed moms especially. He knows we are tired and feeling stressed trying to keep up, so he makes sure we clearly see the areas where we aren't perfect.
But the truth is, none of us are perfect. We all make trade-offs. Some of us have pristine houses, some are great at setting aside time to craft or play with their kids, and others have side jobs. Some have one kid and some have ten, some eat out and others put time in to cooking all organic non-processed foods.We have to do what works for our families and stop using other people's rulers to measure our own productivity.
The MOPS DVD presentation on this topic was phenomenal and I'm so excited for the opportunity to share some of these beautiful treasures with you:
Almost from the beginning of the video, the speaker (whose name I sadly cannot remember) blew me away with the following insight: "People should leave your house feeling better about themselves not better about you."
Wow! How often is that thought not the perspective we have when someone is coming over for a visit? We think about getting the mess cleaned up quickly; we labor over finding the perfect paint color and decor pieces; and we try to put on the best presentation we can. But, what is the motivation in all of that? Ecclesiates 1:14 comes to mind: "I have seen all the works that are done under the sun; and indeed, all is vanity and grasping for the wind."
Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying it is sinful to want to have a clean and well decorated home, but if we are more focused on creating a perfect impression and wearing the "I have it all together" mask than really connecting with those around us, something is out of alignment. We can't form sincere relationships unless we are real with each other. Others won't let their walls down to relate if they don't see your vulnerabilities as well. The end result - two people feeling self-conscious and frustrated as they try to keep up the pace, the charade, the lie.
I have some friends who are awesome at sitting on the floor playing with their kids. There are times I admire them so much because I am so distractable when I try to sit down to play with mine. Even if I am physically on the floor with them, a lot of times my mind is going a mile a minute, planning what I need to clean, thinking about my next blog post, or dwelling on a problem that I can't quite figure out how to handle. On the other hand, I have friends who think there are things I have together better than them. Before I had our third little one, I remember a few friends who would come over for play dates and comment on how clean the house was. Some commented that they didn't invite me to their house when it wasn't tidy or apologized when we did come to visit. (These were probably the moms who had been doing what I wished I could focus long enough to do for extended periods of time - crawling on the rug with their little ones and ignoring the to-do list.) We both longed for what the other was good at. Coveted the personality traits and skills God had designed our friends with.
I specifically remember when I was stressed trying to get everything tidy for a play date once, Dave told me to let it go. He said, "____________ will probably feel better if everything isn't cleaned up." This is why God gives us partners, and people around us with different perspectives. To me a clean house made me feel calm, but to others, I realized that it could make them feel uncomfortable. They were worried to let their kids play for fear of messing things up. What a wise man my husband is....
"He made us on purpose," the MOPS speaker said, referring to our Creator's perfect design. She told us that God doesn't want us to have someone else's story. She pointed out that He is saying, "Why would you ever compare yourself to someone else?...I made you on purpose to be just like that and you would throw it away if you could?...You would be like her if you could?" She discussed how maddening it must be for our God, who created us with such great love, to hear us talking negatively about ourselves.
To help us relate farther, the image of our children comparing themselves to each other and thinking they aren't as good as another was presented. As mothers we think our children are incredible in their uniqueness and we wouldn't want them to be carbon copies of each other. Likewise, God wants us to be who he created us to be, with our quirks, our talents, and even our shortcomings.
How do we overcome this? Here are some tips she gave for helping us connect rather than compare:
1. "Get to know each other by being vulnerable." - No facades, let people know you don't have it all together. Relate. Love each other.
So for those of you who have showed up for play dates and seen clean spaces like this in my house:
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| My guest room where all the kids outgrown clothes have been tossed but have yet to be organized. |
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| How our playroom looks most days - the floor covered in toys |
2. "Find your purpose." - What do you feel called to do and what trade-offs will you have to make? What will you have less of and have to sacrifice? Stay grounded in what God is asking from YOU not in what His purpose for those around you is. Ask your husband and friends what you are good at if you need help and change as needed, but have a vision to stick with.
Though I often feel discouraged because my house isn't picture perfect the way I want it to be despite how hard I work at keeping it up, at some point I've got to make a trade-off. Making sure that I'm well rested so I'm not grouchy and impatient with my kids or so that my Lupus doesn't kick in takes precedence sometimes, and I just have to leave the mess. There are weeks when the sweeping, dusting, and general housework have to take a back seat to bigger projects like switching the kids clothes over from one size or season to another. It can't all get done because there just isn't enough time. But, doesn't Satan try to make us feel guilty when we can't hold it all together?
My friend Crystal told me once to ask Dave what he thought was important for me to accomplish during the day, assuring me that his list would be a lot shorter than mine. It's never my husband putting the pressure on me; it's me! When I felt overwhelmed and came to him in tears one night when I felt particularly frustrated about not being able to keep up, his response was simply, "Is God happy with his servant Lindsay?" And, at the end of the day, that is all that really matters. I'm working towards trying to just rest in that peace.
A wise woman once said to me at Bible study, "What's a little dust between here and eternity." I'm trying to tone down my OCD tendencies and actually block out time to spend playing with my kids so I don't get to caught up in all the to-dos that would otherwise pull my attention elsewhere. "Don't confuse love with efficiency," the MOPS speaker warned. "We try to administrate our kids as an act of loving them." We were challenged to "be with and listen to [our kids in] unplanned, inefficient moments instead of organizing them all the time." They are my purpose and while they need a clean and organized house, they don't need a spotless, magazine image one. They need a to be held, they need to be played with, and they need a well-rested and clear-minded Mommy.
As Ecclesiastes 3 says, there is a time for everything, and right now certain things outweigh others. I'm learning sometimes it's okay and necessary to say no even to good things to stay focused, grounded in the purpose God has for me in this season of my life. People may feel let down but I need to focus on what the Holy Spirit is telling me to do. My friend Melanie says, "Just because you are needed somewhere doesn't mean that's where you are supposed to be." That's so true and yet we just keep heaping on commitments, thinking we are doing what's best but instead over committing and underachieving with high stress levels. The DVD presentation encouraged us to "be more present to what is," and I'm trying to get there.
3. "Gratitude it the opposite of comparison. "- The point where we say "This is what is" and are thankful for it.
God's word teaches us to give thanks continually. There are whole psalms dedicated just to praising God for who He is and what He has done, but in our modern day conversations with Jehovah-Jireh (aka God Our Provider), I think most of us are more eager to tell Him what else He can do for us rather than blessing Him for what has already been gifted. I know very few people, myself included, who can honestly say they run to God in praise regularly not asking Him for more, but just standing in awe of the richness of the bounty He's poured forth.
Philippians 2:14 tells us to do all things without complaining, but when we compare ourselves, dissatisfaction rises which is root of our grumblings. At some point, unless we give up this mindset of entitlement and put on the garments of thanksgiving, we will always feel the desire for more, the temptation to compare, idolize, and envy.
4. "Look for ways to tell other moms they are doing great."
Don't all of us long for that? In Gary Chapman's book The Five Love Languages, I learned a long time ago that my primary love language is words of affirmation. One of the hard things about being a stay-at-home mom for me is that the verbal encouragement I used to get from my administrators, fellow teachers, and students when I was teaching is often very minimal these days. No one is there to see all that you put into those little ones. Instead, there's a flood of articles and books that tell you that you're doing everything wrong. There are so many strong opinions on what is the best method for this or that that even play dates conversations can be scary with some mom's.
Rather finding the mistakes in other's parenting who do things differently from us and being critical, we need to search for the positives we can take away from our encounters with one another and fuel each other forward. No matter how well put together we may appear, a lot of us with kids, especially preschoolers, feel like we are hanging from a thread. When we uplift one another, we help each other to be better mothers who feel strengthened to continue the race.
The MOPS speaker charged us to give each other "space and grace," to relate rather than trying to win. As exhausted as many of us are, she reminds us to watch our flippant teasing remarks because you just never know how it can affect a person who already feels self-conscious about their parenting. One story she recalled was in church one Sunday when she brought her son, who had two black eyes at the time, into Sunday school. In jest, one of the ladies commented, "Mom, what did you do to your son?" How flustering that comment was to her, a woman who already felt funny about bringing her kid in looking all bruised up. However, another mom spoke up, and with grace said, "I think I brought a black eye to church every Sunday for ____ years." She related; she understood the embarrassment and the need for affirmation.
The video reminded us that we are loved, and since "there is no prize... no competition...extended that love and grace to those around you so they can stop running...walk together and cheer each other on!"
So though I can't post pictures of all the wonderful mothers I know, here are two of the best I know - my college roommates, Andi and Jen. You both inspire me!
5. Avoid spending too much time online. Facebook, Pinterest, Blogs....They can all getcha!
Convicted! How many of us have this problem nowadays?
The speaker quoted the stat that 1 out of 3 people feel more lonely and sad after looking at Facebook. She believes this is because we often check it in our down time when nothing exciting is happening and, in that mental state, are bombarded with a plethora of posts about other people doing exciting things.
Secondly, she reminds us that we aren't seeing what's real; we can make anything look beautiful through editing and filtering. How many people do you know who put up a messy picture? One where they look terrible? So we think: "This is how life ought to be?" As she puts it, we shouldn't go to everyone's "carefully edited, sparkly world" when we're down. That's the time to go be with the kids or call an actual person, to be real.
And then there's Pinterest!...Why pin things you'll never have or never make? We've got to get real and stick with our purpose or we're going to feel let down when we can't get it all done.
This whole message was definitely meant for me. I could relate to every part and am thankful for the truth it lead me to. I hope it uplifts and encourages a few of those who read my blog too.
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